My journey of having Bipolar Disorder
Ever since I was a child, my passion was to become a hero or get into movies. The main reason for that was that I like how the audience cheers when someone acts well. I still remember when I did my small skit in a fancy dress competition in my 7th class. The way the school kids and friends cheered me on stage was an immensely happy moment for me and can never be forgotten throughout my life. However, hailing from a middle-class family I had never taken the courage to pursue acting as my profession. I knew that my Mom and Dad would never support it. In my childhood days, I was a cheerful kid and was liked by people a lot.
I had a little phase of anxiety when I took exams in my childhood days. But that was not taken seriously at that time as it was observed as part of taking an exam. I was a meritorious guy and I got a free seat in EAMCET and joined Computer Science in my undergrad at CJITS. I was preparing very well for my GRE to get into abroad (US) for my Masters. I worked extremely hard but unfortunately couldn't get a good score on the exam. This triggered my first phase of depression. After coming home I started comparing my score with my friends' scores and couldn't digest the fact that I got fewer marks. I was worried I would end up in a low-reputed college without any scholarship.
As days went by I was still feeling depressed and nothing could stop me from feeling that way. Others counselled me to cope with the feeling but I was going through an especially bad phase. That's when my Dad decided I was depressed and needed clinical help and we met a psychiatrist. It started with pills and I am still taking them to date.
Somehow, after coping with it in a better manner, I completed my B-tech. But after some time I stopped taking my pills. That's when this mood disorder was triggered again and I became hyper-active. I started roaming out here and there like anything, and I used to spend money like a lot of money. My family people started observing the change and took me to a psychiatrist once again. That's when I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. Since then, I have had such a phase 3-4 times. Mainly, I observed that my bipolar was triggered when I was not taking my medicines properly. The main reason I stopped taking medicine was physical changes: I was becoming fat and I was experiencing hair loss which was hard to digest when I compared it to my peers. I am 6 feet tall and I currently weigh 108 kg. Ideally, I should have weighed between 80-85 kg.
Somehow I managed to get a US Visa in 2003 and went there. I completed my master's at the University of Houston-Clearlake. I had a couple of phases there and I was also hospitalised in the US as I was not in control of my actions. Somehow, I completed my Masters in 2006. After witnessing my health issues, my dad asked me to come back and settle in India. I came back and started working in IT for companies like Dell Services, Accenture, and Cognizant. I was supported by my family when and where it was needed. But back in my mind I did not want to work in such a setting, I wanted to pursue acting and become an actor. As there was not much financial support I was dragging along in IT.
I supported my Dad in agriculture for a couple of years but we couldn't manage much income. Again, I started working in IT for 4 years but somewhere deep, I was missing the recognition I would get as an actor and my passion was always acting. I consulted my psychiatrist and he said to pursue acting part-time and continue my job. I tried to do that, but in this competitive world with my capabilities, I couldn't make much progress in acting. In the meantime, I had two kids: one is six, and the other is five.
To wrap up, I finished the last assignment and am currently jobless. I want to take up acting as my profession, but due to factors like age/my looks, I feel embarrassed to meet people and show my interest or join any acting course. I am looking for a channel where I can show my talent and get some appreciation. That's what I am truly hoping for. Again, I know that I don't want to get into IT. But let's see what time decides. From the point of view of my mental health, I am doing fine and am on the lowest dose of my medicines. I have not had a phase in the past four years.
